What Is Forgiveness And Why Is It Important
If I asked you to imagine what “peace” looked like, what would you envision? Maybe you see a scene in nature, a hippie next to an old Volkswagen bus, or a monk in a monastery. Whatever your mind imagines, I’m sure it’s accompanied by a quiet stillness. This is the equivalent of your mind when you embrace forgiveness. In its simplest definition, to forgive is stop feeling angry or resentful towards someone for an offense, flaw, or mistake. What’s the opposite of feeling peaceful? Feeling resentful and angry. It’s like comparing a dove and a war tank. While forgiveness pardons someone who has done you wrong, in reality its true benefit isn’t for the wrongdoer… it’s for you, the forgiver. So, let’s dive deeper to see what forgiveness is, and why it is so important.
The harm:
Let’s face it, there are a million things someone could do to make us angry at them. Some are small, like eating someone’s leftovers, and some are unfathomable, like betraying a friendship. The trust we had in that person breaks and we feel exposed and vulnerable. The degrees of offense warrant different responses, but in all of them we respond with the same negative feelings: sadness, or more commonly, anger. There’s an interesting psychology fact that will make you rethink angry situations. This fact is that anger is always a secondary emotion. What this means is that we resort to being angry to cover up a different emotion that we felt first. Usually, the first emotion is pain, hurt, betrayal, or sadness.
Think of when you got angry because someone said something offensive to you. Well, why was that comment offensive? Because you care about what that person said. Essentially, this person said something negative, which made you feel hurt that they would think of you in that way. The anger is just a quick secondary response to defend yourself from feeling vulnerable. This person might apologize for their wrongdoing or they may stick their nose in the air and remain defiant. Either way, many times we just can’t deal with the pain, so we stay angry, and a grudge is born.
Who it hurts the most:
At first, holding a grudge against someone might seem justified. They wronged you and they deserve to be on your blacklist, right? Here’s the thing. A grudge is only visible in one place: your head. You are in charge of holding the grudge, the continuous anger and hurt, the discomfort and the memory of the damage that was done. Denying that person forgiveness is denying yourself freedom. You’re locking yourself in a mental cage which will prohibit you from moving on. This has been proven to increase your own stress and decrease empathy towards the other (good) people in your life. Being unforgiving even puts your body into fight or flight mode, increasing your own risk for depression and anxiety. So, tell me again, who, exactly, does this grudge hurt the most? The answer is you.
Time to forgive:
Now that we can see the detrimental effects of holding on to anger, we must do the tough part; that is to forgive. But how do we do this exactly? Forgiveness is a personal journey, and one that looks different for everyone. It starts with a decision. You need to be firm in your thought that you are ready to leave this hurt behind and move on with your life. Forgiveness is not going back to how things were. Some things might never be the same, and that’s ok.
Forgiveness is accepting that things can change. You were hurt, but this doesn’t define you. You are strong and ready to move on without constantly thinking of and feeling the negative emotions related to the moment that hurt you. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you need to invite that person back into your life. You may tell them, or you may not. It means that you are opening your mind to focus on more than just that one moment and person.
Taking small steps:
Once you decide that you are willing to forgive, you start by taking small steps every day to achieve it. If a negative thought enters your mind about that person or situation, you make a conscious effort to push the thought away and replace it with a positive one related to moving forward. You’ll be surprised how many opportunities seem to appear when you change your perspective. You’ll be able to strengthen current relationships and trust love ones more genuinely. You’ll slowly feel lighter, happier, and more receptive to things around you. You’ll be able to pursue things that brings you joy without worrying about things of the past. Finally, in all of these small steps, you begin to heal that initial pain that started it all.
Overall, Forgiveness begins with a big decision and continues as a process. What it costs in effort, it more than makes up for in benefits. Forgiveness will allow you to let go of negative feelings that weigh you down. Your mind will become uncluttered and ready to grow and move you forward in life. You’ll slowly be able to heal your wounds and change your focus to more things that make you happy. Even your current relationships will reap the benefits of letting go of that one grudge. Forgiveness is not only important, it’s essential. Do it for yourself and you’ll eventually see the positive effects that it’ll have on you.
Lastly, in case you want to reconnect with a friend, here’s how to reconnect with someone.