If you’ve ever felt the adrenaline of fear, rage, disappointment, and longing all mashed together, congratulations – you are a normal person who has felt the wrath of jealousy. Being jealous happens to the best of us and, while it isn’t ideal, the most important thing is to acknowledge that it’s happening, why it’s happening, and what you can do to fix it. So, why do we get jealous in relationships? Today I’m breaking down the 10 reasons we go from being a lovey-dovey boo to being a green-eyed monster.
1. We feel insecure.
At the base of almost all moments of jealousy is a feeling of insecurity. This insecurity could lie within two places: yourself or your relationship. If you’re insecure about your abilities, the way you love your partner, or your communication style, then it’s natural to feel jealous if your partner is spending time with someone else who doesn’t have these faults. You could also be a very confident person who feels insecure about your partner’s loyalty. Maybe your boyfriend or girlfriend did something to deserve this sense of doubt, maybe they didn’t. The bottom line is that there is a flaw in the relationship that you need to address. Otherwise, it’s going to start to seep into other aspects of your life and communication with your partner.
Check out: 5 Signs a girl is jealous and likes you
2. We have low self-esteem.
If we doubt our looks, intelligence, professional capability, role as a girlfriend or boyfriend, or any other general skill or aspect, it’s easy to fall into a pattern of low self-esteem. As a consequence, you’ll then compare yourself to others. This comparison is only going to make you feel worse – especially if your partner has friends of the opposite sex or spends a lot of time with someone you wish you could be like. You’ve got to remind yourself that your partner is with you because they love you – something I hope they tell you often. Getting jealous is only projecting your problems onto them and they really don’t deserve that. After all, if they wanted to be with someone else, they would be. Take some time to self-reflect and try to work on this on your own. Otherwise, the green-eyed monster is just going to keep eating at your self-esteem until there’s nothing left.
3. We don’t trust our partner.
I’ve got to be one of the best people for the job to describe this reason for jealousy because, man oh man, have I lived it. If you’ve watched any of my other videos you may be familiar with an ex I mention here or there. We definitely didn’t have the best relationship, but I learned a ton of lessons along the way which made it worth it, including this one. I expressed some heavy jealousy in that relationship due to mistrust. My ex would always take it as if I had insecurities about myself, but that wasn’t the case. In fact, I was probably overconfident. What I didn’t have was trust in my partner. I had caught him in lies before and, frankly, I didn’t believe half of what came out of his mouth, but that’s neither here nor there. The point is, if you don’t trust someone, you’re going to automatically get jealous because you’ll assume they’re up to no good – especially if they’re out and about and a bad communicator. Learn from my mistakes and either fix the trust issue or accept that the trust is gone is move on with your life.
4. We think everyone behaves like us.
This reason may offend a person or two, but I’m here to speak the truth. Some people are crazy jealous in relationships because they are the ones that are up to no good. Think about it. If you are a laid-back, normal individual who knows how to communicate and has a relatively healthy social life, a partner should be able to understand and support that part of you. Now, if your partner’s idea of having a social life includes going out on the town and flirting with every person in the room, then they’re going to assume that’s also what your social life looks like. This type of unfounded jealousy assumes the worst of your behavior with no evidence to back it up, and it almost always comes from the accuser’s behavior when they’re not with you.
5. We’re triggered.
Sometimes, we just have baggage. It’s not the nicest thing in the world to come to terms with and it may be a bummer, but it’s something we can work on. Have you come from a hurtful past relationship? Do you assume your partner is going to say or do something because of how somebody else used to act with you? These are signs you have some baggage, either from a past romantic relationship or from something personal that happened. If you grew up in an untrustworthy circle or were hurt badly by someone you cared for in the past, then it’s a natural reaction to assume this situation will repeat with the next person you care for. If you want to improve your relationships for the rest of your life, this is something you really have to reflect on and work on. You can do so on your own, with a trusted friend, or even with a therapist. Don’t let past hurts control you or your happiness.
Check out: 10 Signs someone is extremely jealous of you
6. We don’t feel valued.
Our jealousy is sometimes a natural reaction to a jerk move by our significant other. Nobody’s perfect, so if your S/O is suddenly dismissing your concerns or doing exactly what you asked them not to do, it could feel like a slap in the face. Our worries should be valued. Even if your partner doesn’t agree, they should try to understand where you’re coming from. If they are dismissive instead, you’ll feel unvalued and naturally get jealous of other people in their life who they seem to value instead.
7. We feel that we’re losing something in our relationship.
If we feel jealous of someone, at its core, they have something that we want. When it comes to a relationship, you may feel like you have the chance of losing your significant other to someone else. Feeling that threat of a lost relationship is enough to make anyone jealous. This ties into the first reason of insecurity, as they both go hand in hand.
8. We’re too dependent.
When your boo spends a night out with friends after spending the other six days of the week with you and you get jealous about it – even though you know all of their friends and it’s a chill hangout – we’ve got a dependency problem on our hands. You need to have your own hobbies and friends to maintain a healthy long-term relationship. Dependency is quickly going to frustrate your partner, not to mention make your life revolve around them when it should revolve around you.
9. We want something that our partner isn’t giving us.
I used to always want to go hiking with my ex but he would make excuse after excuse about how he didn’t feel like it. Then, one day, he decided to go hiking with a bunch of his friends. I had no problem with him going hiking with his friends. I think it’s wonderful and a great form of exercise. But I did have a problem with him specifically not going with me, yet having no issue going with his friends because it made me feel like a simple request that I had was ignored for no reason. It’s natural to take it offensively and get jealous when your partner denies your request yet grants it to someone else.
10. We care.
As cheesy as it sounds, you can’t get jealous unless you care about someone, and that’s the truth. This doesn’t excuse jealousy or make it right, so don’t use this as justification for any unhealthy behavior, but the root of the issue is that you care about this person. You can either try to fix the circumstances around the jealousy or reevaluate if your level of care for them is worth so much emotional energy to begin with.
Check out: 10 Signs a guy is jealous and likes you
Now that you’ve heard the 10 reasons that we get jealous, which one can you relate with? I’d love to see which is the most common reason in the comments.