Spending time with your boyfriend should be cuddly, fun, and full of joy, but relationships aren’t all just fun and games. You also need to make a conscious effort to talk about the things that matter. These topics will help you stay together long-term, learn more about each other, and strengthen your relationship. We’re diving into 20 serious questions to ask your boyfriend today, and we’re getting deep.
1. What’s your family dynamic like?
No matter how long it’s been since you’ve met your boyfriend’s family, it takes a while to figure out the family dynamic. Every family is their own world. You’ll want to learn how his parents communicate, how angry situations are handled, how often he communicates with those in his direct family, and things of that nature. This is going to impact how he behaves in his romantic relationships and could even be a point of friction if you have adopted conflicting communication styles from your respective families.
Check out: 20 fun questions to ask your boyfriend
2. What inspires you to be better?
Hopefully, your boyfriend has some sort of ambition or motivation for the future, but some boyfriends won’t. In this case, it might be their partner – AKA you – who inspires them to be better, but we hope they have an internal desire to improve. If not, how they are today is exactly how they will be in 50 years – except with more wrinkles and maybe less hair. Have a chat to see if your long-term goals align.
3. How do you want to raise your kids?
If you both know you want a family in the future, have this conversation way before marriage. Raising kids is tough. Does he want to raise them a certain way, with certain values or beliefs? Be sure you see eye to eye.
4. In what situations is it ok to lie?
This one sounds like a trick question but it isn’t. Think about your life. We all tell little white lies. Is it ok to lie to spare someone’s feelings? Is it ok to lie to fake-it-till-you-make-it at work? Where is the line drawn? If your boyfriend thinks it’s ok to lie to avoid a fight but you think honesty is the best policy, you need to hash this out sooner rather than later.
5. What relationship goals do you have?
This question is both serious and fun because you’re going to learn what this guy looks for in his long-term relationship. Is his immediate goal to start a family, share exciting experiences, or maybe even build a financial empire together?
6. What’s your biggest fear?
Your boyfriend’s biggest fear could be something surface-level, like sharks or tsunamis, or it could be something deeper, like dying alone. If it’s surface-level, try to follow up by asking what his biggest emotional fear is.
7. How do you deal with conflict?
Conflict could be tied to family dynamics or it could be independent, depending on your boyfriend’s personality. Unfortunately, not all boys are self-aware enough to deal with conflict productively. If he doesn’t know how to answer, ask him about the last argument he got into. Was he aggressive? Did he need time alone before dealing with it? Did he deal with it at all? You two will have a conflict sooner or later so try to get a gist of how to go about it in advance.
Check out: 20 questions to ask a girl to get to know her
8. What are you most ashamed of?
This isn’t always easy to bring up and your boyfriend may not be honest about it until you have been together for quite some time. If he can be real about his past regrets, then you can reach a new level of intimacy. He might regret something he didn’t do, like going to college or pursuing his dreams. Alternatively, he may feel bad about a choice he made that hurt someone else. The key is not to judge him and to show appreciation when he opens up.
9. What do you expect out of your relationship?
Relationship goals may be fun and exciting, but expectations are their serious older brother. These are structured. He could share about expected gender norms he has, how he thinks household tasks should be divided, or how kids change relationships down the line.
10. How would you describe your finances?
If you are over the age of 22, this is a good conversation to have as you enter the “real world” where you’ll work and fund all of your living expenses yourself. I don’t expect the youngest of this audience to have great financial habits, but your financial perspective is important no matter your age. You’ll want to make sure that your perspectives align, at least somewhat, because finances are one of the most common reasons adult couples separate.
11. When did you know you loved me?
This sweet question turns the conversation around to a happy memory so you can reminisce about the beginning of your relationship. Too often we forget what brought us together, so this will help you and your boyfriend reconnect if needed.
12. What are the dealbreakers for you in a relationship?
Smoking, lying, cheating, or not wanting kids are all common dealbreakers we hear of. Get them out in the open now so nobody makes a grave decision or mistake later on.
13. Where do you see yourself in five years?
How about in ten? If he sees himself in California on a beach house and you see yourself in your hometown living two blocks away from your parents, this may be unchangeable for both of you and cause a big road bump in the relationship. While most plans can be adjusted, find out which ones he has set in stone.
14. Why did your last relationship end?
The ideal answer would have brutal honesty and also a bit of self-reflection. No one is perfect, so even if their ex screwed them over, they should be able to think of a few things they could have done differently. This shows what they’ve learned from past relationships – if anything – and may even reveal a few red flags if their behavior seems selfish.
15. Do you think soulmates exist?
If you’re a diehard romantic, don’t be disappointed if your boyfriend answers no to this one. Instead, ask him to explain why. You might end up switching perspectives by the end of the convo!
16. What are your three most important values?
We may pick up some values along the way as we get older, but most are engrained in us at a young age. Examples include loyalty, honesty, determination, generosity, courage, altruism, empathy, self-reliance, and many more.
17. Do we make each other better people?
If you two have a generally good relationship, your boyfriend may jump the gun and say “yes.” Unfortunately, just because you two make each other happy doesn’t mean you make each other better people. Learn what you give each other apart from good company and cuddles.
18. What’s your best character trait?
Surprisingly enough, we often see ourselves differently than others do. Learn more about your boyfriend’s perspective on what makes him great. He may say something you agree with, a trait you didn’t even know he had, or one you think he lacks; although, if it’s the latter, maybe don’t tell him you disagree.
19. Which situations stress you out the most, and how do you handle them?
Some of us handle stress better than others. Is he someone who is prone to anxiety or is he solution-focused? You may learn about some areas where you’ll need to better support him or find out that you’re able to rely on him more when the going gets tough.
20. If you could change one thing about your character, what would it be?
This question provides insight as to where his insecurities lie. We all have one thing – or a few things – that we know we aren’t good at. Find out what his is and see if there’s any way you can help him improve in it.
Check out: 10 questions a girl asks when she likes you
Conclusion:
These 20 serious questions to ask your boyfriend will bring you two closer and help you learn more about where you mesh and what you need to work on. By the time you’re done, you’ll probably experience a pretty big mood shift, so feel free to lighten the mood with our other video which has 20 fun questions to ask your boyfriend. If you’ve asked or have been asked any of these serious questions before, let me know in the comments!