15 Signs Signs ddddddasdfsdfsddddA fear of intimacy could mean a lot of things. It could mean you are afraid of loss in a relationship, like an eventual breakup, less independence, or some other loss. It could also mean you find it difficult to trust people because of past experiences or impressions. And, finally, it could also be a simple fear of the unknown. This video will break down seven signs you have a fear of intimacy and what you can do about it. It’s time to get out there and get healthy with our relationships together!
1. You self-sabotage when things are going well.
The self-sabotager is the person who shoots themselves in the foot when things are going well. The tricky part about this sign is that you may not realize what you’re doing until it’s too late; it even happened to me once. I used to date he-who-shall-not-be-named and it was a mess. Then, after literal years of few ups and plenty of downs, things seemed to finally be on a good streak. What did I decide to do? Destroy it all. I went out and started a huge fight over nothing and ruined all the peace and good that we finally found.
It sounds so wrong, doesn’t it? But the truth is that I always had this deep, gut feeling that I shouldn’t be with this person. Our relationship was so damaged from the past and there was so little trust that I didn’t even want things to do well deep down – I wanted things to end once and for all. I had no idea why I did what I did at the time, but looking back it couldn’t be any clearer that I was trying to just get out of the situation unconsciously. Did I have a fear of intimacy? Well, I did with that person. I haven’t repeated such things since, but sometimes our fears of relationships are person-specific. Other times they may be general, so you’ll have to assess if you’ve self-sabotaged with the same individual multiple times or every relationship you’ve had to figure out which type of self-sabotager you are.
If you want to finally stop self-sabotaging, it helps to have an accountability partner. Your best friend or a therapist is usually the go-to. Tell them about what you’re working on and when you feel prompted to make a rash or not-so-great decision, call them before you do.
2. You get uncomfortable when people try to get to know you.
Imagine you’re dating someone and they start to ask you deep questions, like the “10 Questions to Get to Know Someone Deep” we went through in a past video. They ask about your childhood, your fears, your dreams, or your insecurities. Does this make you feel like a deer in headlights? Or, maybe worse – maybe you feel like a deer being crashed into by the car itself! What deep question makes you most uncomfortable to talk about? Let me know in the comments!
When this happens with a relationship, you may flip the question back on this person, tell them the question is silly or dumb, say you don’t know, or change the subject altogether. This is the grand entrance of the fear of intimacy, and it could be a sign that opening up and being vulnerable scares you quite a bit. Without these deep questions, you’re stuck with superficial relationships. You’ll only get to know others, and vice versa, on the outside, without getting to the root of who you really are.
To try and break this cycle, choose someone you trust the most and dive into a few of these questions with them. You can think of your answers beforehand, but don’t memorize them; the key is being honest with both the other person and yourself. Practicing this in a safe environment is a great way to get used to opening up for a future boyfriend or girlfriend.
3. You project past relationships onto new ones.
We’ve all been hurt before, haven’t we? I know I have. Sometimes, those past heartbreaks can haunt our present and future relationships, making us scared or mistrusting of intimacy. If you catch yourself seeing every new partner as a potential heartbreak or viewing their actions through the lens of past hurts, don’t be surprised when every relationship seems like a rerun.
It’s time to switch channels. Take a step back when you feel yourself reverting to past relationships and analyze just your current one. Do you have any concrete reason, based solely on this person’s actions and words, to think negatively of them? Think through all of the good they’ve brought to your life instead and remind yourself that they deserve a chance to prove to you that people can be good. Don’t forget that everyone is human and that if they do make a mistake, that doesn’t mean the relationship was wrong, just a moment was wrong. Take initial errors with a grain of salt and see where you go from there. Time will always tell.
4. The thought of an exclusive relationship freaks you out.
Does dating just one soul sound like imprisonment? Does the mere mention of exclusivity send shivers down your spine? Sounds like we have a commitment-phobe in the building. The truth is that relationships can be like rollercoasters – thrilling, scary, and full of unexpected twists and turns. You may be making the right decision and you may not, but that applies to every single soul out there in the dating world.
These feelings may signal a fear of intimacy or they may signal that you just aren’t ready to settle down. Sit with your feelings and your thoughts and break down if you are really ready for a relationship. True relationships require dedication, loyalty, and effort. If you aren’t willing to put those in just yet, be sure to tell anyone you date from the get-go so you don’t share false promises. Once you’re ready, you’ll know it.
Check out: Signs you’re not meant to be in a relationship
5. You’re overwhelmed by the feeling of liking someone… so you peace out.
This sign goes hand in hand with self-sabotaging but with the twist of ghosting. Perhaps you’ve had more than one relationship that just seemed too good to be true, so you labeled it as such and didn’t even give it the chance to prove you right or wrong. You may be a ghoster or someone who says “It’s not you, it’s me,” and breaks up a relationship without providing a concrete reason – because you don’t have one. You are afraid of the what-ifs of the relationship, so you end it. What if it goes badly? What if they break your heart? What if this is all fake?
To counter these thoughts, swap your what-ifs for positives. What if it does work out? What if this person is even greater than they first seem? What if they are the one? Let’s try to optimize instead of catastrophize; you’ll be extremely pleased with the difference, trust me.
6. You think a relationship is equal to losing your independence.
That same he-who-shall-not-be-named ex of mine brought out this sign in my life. When things had been going downhill for a while, we broke up and then got back together (an error, I know). In the time we had been apart, I began to do things my way and had a blast. Our initial breakup was initiated by him, so I was also in a bitter phase when we reconnected. I associated our relationship with losing my independence and hated it, so I continued living my life without considering him much. Needless to say, it was a mess. This type of thinking will ruin any relationship, good or bad.
If this sign plagues your relationships, live out your independence in full until you find a partner who can support your individual goals, dreams, and plans. You’ll need to compromise on some things eventually, but you’ll need to establish that trust with one person first.
7. You change your behavior when things start to get serious.
Maybe things are going fine, well even, and suddenly get great. You feel a shift in your emotions and slam on the breaks. You suddenly don’t feel the same way or find the other person to be annoying or even unattractive. You make excuses for why you were with them to begin with, but the truth is that they haven’t changed – you have. You were triggered by the fear of getting too close to someone who may leave, and your fear of intimacy has struck again.
To counter these feelings, you need to recognize the real connection that you were on the brink of. It’s important to face the fact that by changing your behavior, you may hurt a good person and rob yourself of the opportunity to be truly happy with someone.
Check out: 15 Signs you were never in love
Conclusion:
A fear of intimacy can manifest in many ways, impacting our relationships and preventing us from forming deep and meaningful connections. By recognizing these signs of fear, you can take the first step in addressing them and building healthier relationships. Your first step could be liking and subscribing to this channel to show follow-through and dedication! In any case, be sure to lean on a friend or counselor to keep you accountable so that you can overcome your fear of intimacy and level up your relationships. I’m rooting for you.