It didn’t work out between you two romantically, but he says he still wants to be friends. Does he really mean it? Is it even possible? Friendship after a breakup is no easy task, and its plausibility depends on the dynamic of your prior relationship. For some, it may be possible, and for others, the world would freeze over before an actual friendship is established. Let’s figure out which category you fall into.
We’re going to talk about five situations where a guy may want to remain friends after a breakup, but first, a word of caution. If you and this guy loved each other in any capacity and for any amount of time during the relationship, you need to know that an immediate friendship is almost impossible. Friends tell each other what’s going on in their lives, and that includes talking about their emotions and people they may date. Honestly, that’s just too much to handle coming from an ex that you still love. Love doesn’t just disappear from one day to the next because you break up, so be wary of any immediate friendships with an ex. The best word of advice you could follow would be to spend some time apart before getting back together in any capacity. Time may not heal all wounds, but it does numb the pain a bit.
OK, now that we’ve gotten that little piece of advice out of the way, let’s get to situation number one. If your romance was up and down, hot and cold, and as emotional as it could get, he may want to stay connected because what you two had was toxic and addictive. It’s hard to let go of anyone during a breakup, but toxicity is like glue that makes it even more difficult for those involved. The thing is, that toxicity is going to remain and invade any sort of attempt at friendship. If you try to stay friends, you’ll more than likely experience extreme jealousy and intense emotions that would blur boundaries and make the whole situation confusing. Been there, done that. It’s a whirlwind of emotions, a lack of trust, and a ton of confusion. You’re more than likely to end up being friends with benefits, which will add to the messy feelings.
The second situation is a spin-off of toxic situation number one, except in this case, your ex is the controlling, manipulative, or just plain mean one in the relationship. These relationships had uneven dynamics where you may have been lied to, gaslit, or treated poorly in another way. You finally had enough and broke it off, but your ex is begging to remain in your life as a friend. He says he cares about you and maybe even that he’ll change and you’ll be able to witness it as his friend, but don’t be so quick to give him the benefit of the doubt. Someone so well-trained in manipulation and deceit could easily pull this card to take advantage of your good nature. If this sounds like your ex, you may also want to watch “8 Signs Your Ex Never Cared About You.”
One of my friends is suffering through this situation as we speak. She was living with her boyfriend for about three years and I have no idea how she withstood being with him for so long. He expected her to treat him like his mother plus girlfriend benefits – cooking for him, cleaning up after him, and then loving him as a girlfriend should with nothing in return. And I mean nothing – the kid would work and then play video games every single day. On my friend’s last two birthdays, he didn’t even take her out to dinner or get her a card. My friend admits to being almost brainwashed, and she finally got the guts to cut things off with him two weeks ago. He moved out last week (yay!) but has been coming back to sleepover most nights since the move. He tells her he just can’t be away from her, yadda, yadda, yadda, yet they aren’t officially together so he can go ahead and make a Tinder profile without any repercussions. He’s a straight-up degenerate, in my opinion, but love is blinding and he is using the “I want to stay friends” ruse to keep my friend in his pocket for as long as he can. A guy like this staying “friends” with you may just be his way of continuing to manipulate you. After all, you can’t control someone else unless you remain a part of their life, right? Keep your eyes peeled and avoid this happening to you at all costs.
On the flip side, you may have had the opposite type of relationship that was healthy and full of love, which brings us to situation number three. For one reason or another, it just didn’t work out, but it’s too hurtful to break off contact completely, so your ex asked to remain friends. This likely comes from a place of love and pain, and it’s really difficult to navigate. Some extremely mature couples can stay in some sort of contact after a breakup, but they’re smart enough to know they need some distance at first. My friend Laura was in a ten-year relationship that ended last November. Crazy, right? A whole decade with someone. They ended amicably and spoke a few times here and there after the split. They were both mature individuals and I marveled at their dynamic, but it didn’t last too long. Her ex soon started dating someone new, and when she wished him a happy birthday, he told her he was cutting contact with her moving forward. In many cases, contact between a mature couple may continue consistently after a breakup, but the contact is often terminated once one of the two people starts dating someone else seriously, out of respect for the new relationship.
When you have such a good relationship, there is some fear that comes with letting go. What if you don’t find anyone else? What if the next person is only half as good as your ex? No one wants their ex to be the one that got away, but it’s a risk we all take when we go through a breakup, and some people take the risk better than others. This brings me to situation number four: your ex wants to keep you on the back burner in case one of you changes your mind about the breakup.
Whether he’s loving or manipulative, this ex is likely feeling some fear about losing you. Relationships and love can be addictive, and losing someone in that capacity could feel as impactful as a real death. By remaining friends with you, this guy gives himself a make-believe safety net against loneliness. If he initiated the breakup, he has you nearby in case he decides he regrets it and asks for you back. If you initiated the breakup, he has you close enough to see him grow and succeed on the off-chance he can win you back.
The fifth and final situation you may be in is that your ex truly does want to remain friends with you because he sees you more as a friend than as a life partner. Maybe he fell out of love or was never in it, to begin with. In such cases, he may be able to remain friends with you, but you will have to be in the exact same place for it to work out.
At the end of the day, if a guy likes a girl enough that she could be his best friend, he’s only an inch away from a romantic relationship with that girl. After all, the basis for a good relationship is a strong friendship, isn’t it? Switching from friends to romance is easy, but switching back? Not so much. Unless love wasn’t involved and it was just a fun fling, you’ll have to face friendship with an ex with caution.
Take a step back and figure out which situation you’re in and what you’re going to do about it. Let me know your conclusion in the comments!