Influence is what puts leaders in positions of power, money in people’s pockets, and teams in winning circles. We aim to influence every time we talk about a controversial topic, when we offer advice, or when we try to haggle that price at your neighbor’s yard sale. Influence – or the desire for it – is everywhere, but learning how to influence others without them knowing is tricky.
Before I give you the six steps to do so, please note that influencing someone is not the same as manipulating them. Influencing’s intent is positive, which means you think you’re influencing for the good of the other person or the common good. Manipulating, on the other hand, is for a self-serving agenda to get something out of it for you. Influencing is also transparent and honest, not deceptive like manipulation. Finally, influencing respects the free will of others and never pushes someone’s limits or crosses a line.
Okay, now that that’s cleared up; here’s how to influence others without them knowing in six steps.
1. Know the three approaches.
There are three main tactics used when trying to influence others: logical appeals, emotional appeals, and cooperative appeals. You’ll need logic in all situations, but some people are more likely to go with emotions or collaboration, so choose your approach based on your audience.
Logical appeals tap into intellect and rationale, so your argument will focus on organizational benefits, personal benefits, or both.
Emotional appeals project individual goals or values. This will target your audience’s feelings of well-being or a sense of belonging. You know that commercial with the sad song and the puppy dog eyes? It tugs at your heartstrings with an emotional appeal.
Finally, cooperative appeals initiate what you and this person will do together. It creates an alliance and aligns your goals so that you can work together – an excellent strategy for the workplace.
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2. Build trust.
Now that you have your approach, you’ll need trust and connection to put it into place. You ever notice that nobody likes car salesmen? Why is that?
Well, they tend to want to sell for their own good. They aren’t known for looking out for the customer and they use pressure sales tactics to make others spend money. See? I said absolutely nothing positive for the customer. No trust there.
The other day, though, I met a salesman for a home security system that was able to establish some trust with me within ten minutes of talking. First of all, we somehow started talking about our jobs and it turned out that he had a similar college background as I did. There’s that connection. Secondly, after I told him my budget and what I wanted – which wasn’t any security package I could find across multiple companies – he told me he could add on the features I wanted and keep the base price by taking a cut of his commission. I’ll never really know if that’s the case or not, but if I had to go with my gut, I think this guy was legit. It was definitely more trust than any other salesman had given me in 10 minutes.
Use overlapping experiences and perspectives and the other person’s best interest to establish trust. It may take more than 10 minutes, but it’s key for effective influencing.
Check out: 8 Signs of an untrustworthy person
3. Understand and then educate.
There’s an old saying that says we were given two ears and just one mouth for a reason. Be present with those you are trying to influence and listen to them before you try to convince them of anything. Once you understand what emotions drive their thinking, you’ll be much better prepared to give them your side of the story in a way that appeals to them. And, remember, keep it educational and not just preachy. Have you ever had someone try to influence you but it just sounded like a mom nagging her kid? Tell me about it in the comments!
4. Acknowledge objections.
You can’t just run through this list in a five-minute conversation and expect the person to jump in your corner; objections will happen. Not everyone sees eye to eye and that’s exactly why we don’t have world peace – sigh.
Sad moment aside, it’s okay to not agree. Ask questions to clarify the other person’s point of view and answer as non-emotionally as possible. Remember that it isn’t personal. Great ways to learn more about someone’s perspective are to find out what is essential to them and what they’re going through.
5. Show sincere appreciation.
In any influential interaction, it is essential to compliment the person you’re trying to persuade. This doesn’t mean you stop mid-discussion and compliment them or be fake; remember that influence is genuine through and through – the other option is manipulation.
To keep your praise sincere, note the fine line between showing praise and kissing someone’s butt. No one likes a suck-up. Show praise instead by giving a heartfelt compliment towards the beginning of your discussion, and anytime you feel something positive about that person. But, make sure it’s appropriate and not too frequent, or this will come off as simply “too much.”
Check out: 10 Questions to get to know someone deep
6. Be intentional.
Influencing others means your actions and words are intentional – not only when you’re trying to convince someone of something, but all day and every day. Being intentional isn’t always a good thing – I could tell someone they are a pile of dung that stinks up my life with the intent to hurt them and I succeeded at being intentional. The key is that your intention comes from good and that you choose your words with care.
As for intentional actions, it means you are prepared. You come to a meeting knowing exactly what’s going to go down and how you’ll go about it and show that you bring your best to the table time after time. Now that’s someone who I want to learn from!
Conclusion:
The power of influence can move mountains, and it’s all about building positive, honest connections with others. So long as you have genuine, positive outcomes in mind, I’m confident you can become more influential every day. Until next time, keep influencing positively and building strong, honest connections in your life.